Twilight Parodies
by chelsea'97
Summary: Pretty much what the title says, it's twilight parodies. Warning: lots of random silliness. You have been warned
1. Hoorayy! Chapter 1! :P

1**Hey, I do not own any of the twilight characters, they are all Stephenie Meyers. I only came up with these parodies.**

During Twilight when James, Victoria and Laurent come to the Cullen's baseball game:

The Cullens and Bella and gathered together to greet the vampires.

James steps out in front, walks right past Bella to Alice and says "so Alice, we meet again".

Alice raises her eyebrow in confusion and says "what the hell?"

James looks at her like she should already know what he's talking about, sighs and speaks "well, I'm the dude who wanted to kill you when you were human because you smelled so awesome. But some bad ass vampire whose name I didn't even know stole you from that smelly mental asylum and changed you and here we are again".

Alice is standing there, eyes wide open in a state of shock. Once she recovers she breaks out into dry sobs, yells "I AM NOT MENTAL!" and runs into the forest.

Jasper thanks James for being so evil so he could have Alice and then runs into the forest after her.

Victoria says "that wasn't how it was supposed to happen." She takes a copy of twilight out of nowhere and opens it up to a page, "James was supposed to smell Bella, try to kill her and whist doing so, make a video of what he did to her, plus Alice's story. Then James dies and I come back for revenge."

"Alright let's try that again!" a random director yells who was filming that the whole time. "Everyone back in your places! And where is my tuna salad!"

During New Moon at the Volturi: (Movie)

Aro is about to eat Bella when Alice yells "wait! Bella will be one of us! I've seen it".

Aro walks up to Alice and takes her hand. After a few minutes he nods and says "so you have, you are free to- oh god! That's nasty!" he drops to the ground shuddering uncontrollably muttering something about handcuffs.

Seconds later Edward drops to the ground and joins Aro in his little freak out session.

Bella goes up to Alice and asks what their problem is.

Alice just smiles and says "apparently mine and Jasper's sex life is too much for them to handle."

During Eclipse when Jasper is telling his story to Bella: (Movie)

". . . Maria taught us how to fight. When we did well we were rewarded" he winks at Bella and raises his eyebrow.

Alice appears out of nowhere with a baseball bat and hits Jasper over the head with it. He falls to the ground and Alice climbs on top of him and says "quit talking about how you slept with Maria a jillion times". She smiles and continues "that's for me".

Jasper and Alice start making out and Bella starts slowly backing away but runs when Jasper starts taking off Alice's clothes.

During Breaking Dawn when Jacob phases in front of Charlie:

Jake runs up to Charlie and yells "Charlie! I gotta show you something!"

Charlie turns to face Jacob "what is it? Is it something about Bella?"

Jacob removes his shorts and underwear.

Charlie stares at Jacobs 'south pole' gags and then throws up a bunch of half digested salmon.

Jacob immediately covers his 'parts' and says "no just look at my face for a second.

Charlie looks up just in time to see Jacob explode into a wolf before fainting onto the sidewalk.

Jacob happily struts off with his wolf head held high to tell the Cullens that the deed is done.


	2. Fantasmic Chapter 2 :

1**I do not own any of the twilight character, Stephenie Meyer does. I just own these parodies with lots of random silliness! :P**

During twilight when James is making the video in the ballet studio:

Bella is sat down on the floor when James pulls out a video camera.

He opens it an turns it so he's filming himself. "Hello whoever is watching this, I promise you that everything in this video is 100% true. Unless you're a police officer, then it's not true. And if you hear anything about vampires or things that happened a few centuries ago no matter who you are that's not true. Unless you are a vampire like me- I mean wanna be, cause we all know their not real-"

"James!" Bella interrupts.

"Hey! I wasn't done with the opening credits yet. Oh well I can just cut that out when I do the editing process. . ."

"JAMES! THE CAMERA ISN'T ON!"

"Damn! Now I have to start all over again."

During new moon when Mike, Bella and Jacob are at the movie theatre.

The dude in the movie yells "I'm gonna blow your frikin head off!"

"Woo!" Jacob yells as he jumps out of his seat "take that you biatch!"

The usher dude goes and makes Jacob leave so Mike and Bella are together in the movie theatre. . . .alone. . .with just each other. . .in a movie. . .alone. . .

"Yea we get it Chelsea!" **(A/N that's me ;) !) **Bella yells and is soon kicked out of the theatre with Jacob.

"Yay Bella! Your kicked out too!" Jacob yells, hugging her so tight she turns blue and passes out on the floor.

Mike runs out of the theatre at that exact moment and throws up in a trash can.

Paramedics come to take both Mike and Bella to see CARLISLE! The super sexy vampire doctor.

"Hey wait Chelsea" one of the paramedics says "I think you forgot that Carlisle-"

"The super sexy vampire doctor." **(A/N Team Carlisle!) **

"Uh, yea well he and his family are gone away remember?"

"What!" Bella yells, suddenly completely fine "you mean their gone! Edward I love you! What! Wait a second here-" the paramedics begin loading her into the ambulance. "I'm fine! Where are you taking me! Nooooooo!"

Jacob looks around the now very empty theatre lobby. "Damn!" he mutters under his breath, "now whose gonna give me a ride home?"

During eclipse with Jacob kisses Bella (for the first time)

Jacob leans in and kisses Bella verrry slowwlllyyyy and then checks for her reaction.

Bella is stumbling around like she`s drunk and those cartoon stars are flying around her head. "God is that you?" she asks before falling to the ground. "Ow! I broke my hand!"

"Want me to kiss it better?" Jacob asks, kneeling down beside her.

"No it's fine. Kiss me on the lips." she gives him a slightly disturbing smile.

"What about Edward?"

"Screw him, I'll lie and say that you kissed me, I punched your wikkid awesome sexy werewolf hotso-"

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" I, the narrator interrupts "I'm not allowed to go on forever about stuff but you are?"

"Apparently" Jacob says, looking almost as hot as Carlisle. "But FYI, you're the one writing this- wait-ALMOST!"

"Anyway. . " Bella so rudely interrupts.

"Again you're the one writing the story."

Jacob rides his motorcycle off a cliff. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Yea Chelsea" Bella says "why'd ya do that?

And they all lived happily ever after.

"Wait! You can't leave yet! I didn't get my close up-"

*imaginary curtains close and Bella is pulled away with one of those canes they use in old cartoons*

During breaking dawn when Bella wakes up from her vampire transformation:

Bella gets up and looks at the ceiling light. "Oooo shiiiinnnyyy!" and she smiles at the light and tries to catch it in her hand.

Carlisle steps forward and says 'it is a bit distracting at first but you'll get used to it."

Alice starts jumping up and down and says "Oh! Oh! Oh! I'll go get a mirror so you can see what you look like". She runs out of the room at vampire speed.

"So did the transformation hurt?" Carlisle asks Bella, taking out a notepad and going into doctor mode.

Bella opens her mouth to answer but gets interrupted by a huge crash coming from Alice's room.

"Noooooo! My huge mirror! Carlisle! Shelia's dead!" Alice yells and breaks out into dry sobs.

"Who's Shelia?" Bella asks in a childish voice then goes to walk out of the room. She takes a look at Jasper's face, shrieks at an octave so high that it's barely audible even to the vampires and jumps up clinging to the ceiling. "Edward! Jasper's all scary looking! Help me!"

"No Edward!, Help me!" Alice yells from the other room. There was the sound of a gun cocking. "Or else. . . ."

"Get your husband to help! And what's a gun gonna do to me?"

"There's a silver bullet in it"

"That's for werewolves, dear" Jasper says "and Bella I am not scary!"

"If you think it's your scars that scare me, it's not." Bella says, taking a look up Esme's nose. "I just looked at your face, it's always freaked me out but it's so much more scarier with- OMG THAT PIECE OF DUST LOOKS LIKE A LADYBUG!"

At that moment Alice comes in the room with a box of shattered glass labelled 'Shelia'.

"LET ME SEE! LET ME SEE!" she yells, throwing the box of Shelia's broken pieces at Jasper, who drops it and glass bits go flying everywhere.

"No wait, that's a freckle on Edward's arm" Bella says, already distracted by something else. All while Carlisle is writing furiously on his notepad about everything that she's doing.

"Jacob imprinted on Reneesmee" Emmett says, not wanting to beat around the bush any longer.

Bella stops poking Edward's chest and looks up at him "OMG THAT SON OF A MUT DIDN'T!"

"OH YES I DI-ID!" Jacob yells from downstairs.

Bella holds her hand out to Alice "give me that gun." Alice willingly gives the gun over, already knowing what she was gonna do.

Bella takes the gun and goes downstairs. There's a loud bang, a shriek and she comes back upstairs and hands the gun back to Alice.

And that was the end of Jacob Black.

(Haha! Just kidding, Bella missed and killed a dove. Poor dove :'( )


	3. A whole Chapter about the Porsche! Yay!

1**I do not own twilight; it's quite tragic isn't it?**

**All the parodies in this chapter are about the Porsche! The awesomest twilight car. **

New moon:

Alice comes up to Bella in the awesome yellow Porsche at the airport and Bella gets in. The owner is tied up in the backseat.

"Who the hell are you?" the owner asks, struggling to break free.

Alice ignores her and is already speeding away to Volterra.

"Alice slow down!" Bella yells, getting close to throwing a panic attack.

"So Alice is it?" the owner says.

"Listen Bella do you wanna save Edward or not?" Alice says "and for you" she turns to the person in the back seat, "shut up and I might let you live".

Suddenly Alice slams on the brake because there is a car crash up ahead.

"Oh crap! God damn roadblock!" she yells "I should have seen this coming." She starts slowly weaving through the traffic jam.

"Hey Chelsea," Bella says "can't you just re-write it so there's no roadblock?"

"YOU MEAN I'M TRAPPED IN A STORY!" the owner whose name shall be Lisa says.

"Listen here Bella," I say "I hate Edward, so he's gonna get fried up by the Volturi. I'm gonna laugh. Then using the magic of story telling we poof back in time so it can happen again and again and again. . . . ."

"Can't I be let go?" Lisa asks "and my name is Nicole!"

"Hey listen 'Lisa'" Alice says "if I've learned anything from being in these stories, it's that whatever Chelsea says goes."

"That's right Alice. I've taught you so well". *sniff sniff*

"So you mean were under your complete control?" Lisa asks.

"Yupp that's pretty much how it works. So I'll give you Edward back".

Edward poofs into the car. "What just happened?"

"So can we go now?" Alice asks, ready to speed off.

"I guess so".

"Yay!" Alice speeds off but the car crash scene wasn't removed so she runs over a fat guy and some police woman. So Alice, Edward, Bella and Lisa-

"Nicole!"

"Shut up! My story!"

So anyway, our four friends spend some times in jail until Carlisle comes to bail Edward, Alice and Bella out. But Nicole- happy? -stays there because Carlisle won't bail a random stranger out of jail.

Eclipse:

*in the Cullen's garage*

Alice is sat on the hood of Maria (the Porsche!)

Bella comes in and sits next to Alice.

"Aww" Alice says stroking Maria's hood "poor Maria, she's so pretty and I haven't even been able to drive her yet".

"So her name's Maria?" Bella asks Alice.

Jasper runs into the garage furious.

"OMG JASPER!" Bella yells "YOU GOT THAT STICK OUT OF YOUR BUTT!"

Alice growls and lunges at Bella but Jasper pulls her out of the way.

"So Alice" Jasper says, pacing back and forth and pulls a random light out of nowhere and shines it in Alice's face like in one of those FBI tv shows. "Why is your car named after the one person I hate more than Tyler Crowley?"

Alice squints through the light and holds her hands out "hey who said she was named after her?"

"Uh, me" Jasper replies like it should be obvious.

"Besides" Alice tries to reason "oh, wait, you've never been there when Chelsea adds a bunch of random stuff in to get us pissed and in trouble. She's the one to blame".

I evil laugh from my hiding place in the shadows of the garage, because for some reason the garage is dimly lit.

"Well let's go" Bella says "since this is all worked out now".

They proceed to leave the garage and. . . .well, that's pretty much it, they leave the garage.

Breaking Dawn:

Alice comes to pick up Bella and Charlie to go to her house for Bella's wedding, IN THE PORSCHE! Bella gets in front and Charlie gets in back with Nicole.

"Finally you use my real name!" Nicole yells throwing her arms in the air.

"Who's Nicole?" Charlie asks as Alice is speeding through Forks at 100 kph.

"She was the random missy that I stole a Porsche from that conviently looks exactly like this one." Alice explains "oh, did I mention it was in Italy?"

"Actually this _is_ my car" Nicole says.

"It is not."

"Uh, yes it is. You just switched license plates."

"Prove it."

"Bella, look in the glove box, there will be a box of tampons," Charlie shudders, "some smarties **(A/N Canadian M&M's but for some reason we have both) **and a photo of me and my girlfriend."

"OMG" Bella yells which causes Alice to swerve the car and Charlie scream like a girl "YOU'RE A LESBIAN!"

"Wait!" Nicole says all panicky "I'm not a lesbian, that's Chelsea controlling the story again." she evil glares even thought I'm not even in the car.

Bella opens the glove box and surely those three items are in there. A box of extra large tampons, smarties, and Nicole's Mary-Sue of a girlfriend.

"You filthy little betch stole my car!" Nicole yells and tackles Alice.

"Hey!" she shoots back "you were the one who said 5 seconds ago that Chelsea was controlling the story so obviously she made it like that!"

Alice and Nicole start having a bitch fight and Maria the Porsche crashes through the Cullen house front door where Mike, Jessica and Angela are talking to Esme.

Angela stares wide eyed at the sight in front of her.

Mike faints being the weak hearted fool he is.

Jessica is making mental notes on how she is going to gossip about this in the near future.

Esme is dry sobbing about her house.

Edward walks in, takes in the scene before him and asks Nicole "Aren't you the hot babe from Italy?"

Nicole is no longer with us. Edward murdered him the cold hearted monster. I loved Nicole :'(


	4. I'm leaving you

1**Sorry I haven't updated in a while but I've been busy getting ready for school and updates might be even slower now that the school year is started again. Real sorry guys.**

*in the fantabulous forest*

Edward and Bella are walking through the before mentioned forest and Edward just randomly stops. **(A/N do I use the word 'random' too much?)** Edward says to Bella "we have to leave Forks, the name is way to bland. We're now going to SPOONS!" *cue super hero music*

"Okay," Bella agrees "but I need to think of something to tell Charlie".

"HA!" Emmett says and jumps down from a tree "good luck thinking of anything!"

"Psh yea!" Rosalie says, walking over to where everyone is standing while doing her little strut with a lot of over exaggerated hip swaying. "We all know that the reason Edward can't read your mind is that there's nothing there."

Bella opens her mouth to object but a lonely little fly flies into her mouth which stops her snail of thought.

"See?" Rosalie says "Chelsea can't even use 'train of thought' because trains are fast, which Bella is not. Right Chelsea?"

"Uhh, right!" I say and turn around and cross the reason that I had for 'snail of thought' off my notepad and replace it with what Rosalie said.

"The thing is Bella," Edward says "is your not coming with us."

Bella looks at Edward and says "Why? Why are you leaving me here?"

Chris Weitz walks out from behind the camara "because that's what the script says stupid!" He wacks Bella over the head with it.

Bella grabs the script out of Chris' hand "well screw this script" she says and tries to rip it apart but can't. "Here Edward, rip this up."

Edward sighs and rips the script in two. Chris and the rest of the camera crew leave because they are fed up with Edward and Bella.

Edward looks and Rose and Em "can I get some help with breaking the news to Bella?"

"WHAT NEWS!" Bella yells.

"Sorry bro your on your own" Emmett says "Me and Rosie Poo are gonna go have sex". They leave to do it.

"DAMN YOU!" Edward yells and shakes his fist in the air."and Bella, I'm leaving you so Jasper won't eat you because apparently Alice can't control her husband."

Alice and Jasper fall out of a tree in a heated make out session.

"God, what is up with everyone being in trees today?" Bella asks. "And here's an idea," she takes a deep breath "no wait- I forgot it."

"Perfect!" Edward says, grinning evilly and rubbing his hands together. "Now that that's over with," he is suddenly dressed like a cowboy and is on a horse. "TO ALASKA!" he points and the horse gets up on two legs and then runs off "I'M COMING TANYA MY LOVE!"

"He left me" Bella says all sadish.

"You could always join me and Alice" Jasper offers which earns him a smack upside the head from Alice. "Never mind."

Bella runs into the forest, cries a literal river of tears which Alice and Jasper happily have sex in while Bella is sleeping on the ground.

"AHHHH!" Bella screams when she wakes up the next morning. Then breaks down crying. "Edward left me to go to Alaska. That lier told me he was going to Spoons".


	5. Pants Off Dance Off

1**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or pants off dance off or and of the songs mentioned. Oh, or superman, bobby jack or Calvin Klein either. Or strawberry shortcake. I think I'm done now.**

Carlisle and Esme are gone from the house; leaving their 'children' behind. They are gone to show a bunch of weirdo doctors from the hospital their house so they can have some crazy meeting or whatnot.

Emmett and Alice are watching Pants off Dance off on Much More Music.

"I don't like where this is going." Edward says.

"I do" Rosalie says, stripping down to her bra and panties. "PANTS OFF DANCE OFF!"

"So we're having a pants off dance off?" Bella asks.

"God your slow" Rose says "strip down to your undies and lets daaannnnccceeee!"

*sexy bitch starts playing*

Emmett is swinging on the curtain like a vine in his superman boxers. "Woo!" he yells and starts 'busting his moves'. "I'm so gonna win!"

"This is a competition?" Bella asks.

"Mhmm" Alice says walking over to her. Who, unlike Rose and Em, is still fully dressed. "Sexiest dancer wins. But we can only do this when Carlisle and Esme aren't home. They banned us from doing this since the incident last year." She gives Emmett the evil eye.

*sexy bitch stops and let's get crazy starts*

"Oh this is my song!" Alice yells and rips her shirt off to reveal her Bobby Jack bra.

"Since when do you like Bobby Jack?" Edward asks Alice.

"Just because you can read minds doesn't mean you know everything about me" she replies as she takes off her jeans to show matching panties.

Jasper joins Alice in a little dancing thing. His boxers are Calvin Klein.

They start doing the kind of moves you see in strip clubs and Bella throws up in a bucket. **(A/N I got that off the commercial. Te he!) **

After let's getcrazy stops, Emmett starts dancing like a blue monkey on crack to the strawberry short cake theme song.

Soon everyone- including Bella is dancing to totally random music in their underwear.

They're dancing to take a chance on me by ABBA when Carlisle, Esme and all the doctor peoples walk into the living room.

Carlisle's jaw literally drops to the floor. He picks it up and re-attaches it and screams a long stream of profanities not suitable for a T rated fanfic.

Meanwhile an incredibly young doctor named Doctor Joe is oogling over the sight of Alice and Rosalie in their underwear.

Esme steps in front and says "how many times have I told you no pants off dance offs?"

The Cullen kids ponder on whether or not to answer this question.

Doctor Joe steps up to Esme "oh c'mon Mrs. C. Lets the kids have their fun. Besides, your girls have excellent bodies."

"Get out of my house Joe" Carlisle says. "And you guys," he points to the kids and Bella. "Put your clothes back on and meet me in the dining room. Sorry boys" he turns to face the doctor dudes "we'll have to re-schedule the meeting for some other time".

*in the dining room*

"Now!" Carlisle says, smacking his fist on the table, resulting it to collapse. "Who would like to explain to me why you were having a pants off dance off-"

"JASPER DID IT!" everyone yells at the same time.

"I did not!" he said.

"Oh yea" Bella says "your dancing made me throw up!"

"I didn't finish the question" Carlisle says "I want to know why you were having a pants off dance off, without me and Esme! The other thing was a cover up so the doctors didn't think I was insane."

"PANTS OFF DANCE OFF!" Emmett and Alice yell, ripping off their outer clothes, again.

*my first kiss starts playing*

And they all danced happily ever after.

Well. . .umm. . .except for Bella who kept throwing up in result of over stimulation.


	6. Health Class

1**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight, yet. But when I do, I will take over the world mua ha ha ha! **

"Okay class," Mr. Banner says "today we will be learning about the importance of birth control from Doctor Cullen".

"Holy f*$ing s!^+" Alice, Emmett and Edward yell.

Mr. Banner is about to object to their language when Carlisle comes into the room surrounded by a halo of awesomeness! He's carrying a briefcase like all good doctors do, full of his awesome doctor doctoring stuff so he can doctor people who need to be doctored. *takes deep breath*

"Are you done Chelsea?" Mr. Banner asks.

"Yup! Now you can leave."

Mr. Banner leaves.

"Well class" Carlisle begins, "as you all know, I'm doctor Cullen, father of Edward, Alice and Emmett. I'm here to give a presentation on birth control. I promise to tell lots of stories about my kids while I'm here and not spare the hasty details."

"Oh. . my. . .god. . ." the Cullen kids moan and put their heads down on their desks.

Carlisle pulls a box out of his briefcase and distributes the contents to everyone in class.

"Condoms?" Angela asks.

"Doctor Cullen," Tyler says "now that I have this condom, can I have sex with Alice?"

"Oh my f*$ing god!" Alice yells "NO!"

"As long as she doesn't get pregnant." Carlisle says.

"Really?"

"No, I'm just screwing with you."

"Damn!"

"Now before I demonstrate how to properly use a condom. And not by using my own penis Emmett."

Emmett sinks down in his seat.

"I'd like to make it clear that none of the boys in this class will be having sex with my daughter. Or girls you dirty minded people."

"But she's so damn sexy" some boy says.

"Thank you." Alice says. She turns to Carlisle, "Dad, I have period cramps. Can I leave?"

"Sure Alice, go ahead." Carlisle says.

After Alice leaves Carlisle takes out a wooden stick. "Now, we will be putting condoms on 'Woody'" **(A/N my best-guy-friend actually had to do this in his health class)**

"Woody?" Emmett asks "that's the best name you could come up with? That's worse than that time Esme got a dog named Crappy."

"It was Cathy, Emmett" Edward says "and it was a gerbil."

"Details, details." Emmett says doing that gay wrist-flip thing. **(A/N no offense to gays)**

"Anyway" Carlisle says "I'll begin the demonstration."

"We already know how to do this." Tyler says.

"Really? Because I believe before I gave you a condom you didn't have any."

"That's cause I used them all."

"Tyler, yesterday you told me you were a virgin." Jessica says.

"Oh burn!" Edward yells.

"You can't say much, brother" Emmett says "you're a virgin too."

"Now that's a burn" Tyler says.

"The question is are you a virgin Emmett?" Angela asks.

"Nope" he says popping the 'p'. And neither is Rosalie, Jasper or Alice."

"That's probably cause half of them were raped!" Jessica yells.

"That's no way to talk about my sisters!" Edward yells back. **(A/N I said sisters because I think Alice might have been raped when she was human too)**

"So they were!"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Carlisle yells. "That's none of your beeswax what happened to my daughters before I adopted them."

"Yea, whatever." Jessica says. Relaxing into her seat.

"Not 'yea, whatever' Jessica. My daughters pasts are just that, their pasts and they don't like others talking about it."

"I thought this was a humour story." Mike says "and this falls more under drama."

"Or some cheesy family thing" Eric adds.

"OFF TOPIC!" Carlisle yells. "Now let's learn about STI's"

"Noooo!" Everyone yells.

*tune in next time to 'Fork's High Health' to see what happens when Lauren discovers she has herpes*

"What an awesome episode that was" Bella says getting up from in front of the tv and bringing her popcorn bowl to the kitchen.


	7. Staring: The Duggar Family

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or the Duggar family.**

*in Arkansas*

**A/N: for Michelle, use a southern accent. Everythings so much funnier that way.**

"Oh my Jim Bob! Jordan just said her first word." Michelle says.

Jim Bob runs downstairs. "What was it?"

"F**k" Jordan says.

"Oh my peas where did she learn that word?"

*crash!*

"F**K!" Emmett and Jasper yell. "I think we broke Josiah!"

"I am not broken!" Josiah yells. "I'm not even in the same room as you! You fell on Jill!"

"Get. . .off. . .me" Jill says. "Thank you."

"Honey" Jim Bob says "who are those boys and what are they doing here?"

"Oh that's Emmett and Jasper, darlin'. And I don't know what their doing here."

"Mom!" Joy Anna yells "that Emmett guy just broke my skate board!"

"Hold on a second sweetie, I'll go talk to him. Jana, watch Jordan."

"So Jordan," Jana says "what do you say to watching 'Your Baby Can Read?'"

"F**k you!"

"Oh my cantaloupe Jordan we don't say those words."

*Explosion noise*

"Holy-um I can't think of a clean word- Emmett and Jasper exploded our freakishly expensive industrial oven thinger!" Jinger yells.

"How the fuuuuuuuuudge did they do that?" Jim Bob asks.

"Makin' brownies" cousin Amy says "and nice save there."

"Thanks-you haven't told Michelle have you?"

"Told Michelle what?"

Jim Bob takes a deep breath. "I'm Buddhist."

"What the f**k?" Jordan says.

"Somebody send that baby to rehab!" Emmett yells.

"And drop Jim Bob off there too- Buddhist, what was he thinking." Michelle says. "And Emmett and Jasper, get the fuuuuuuuuuudge"

"Nice save"

"Out of my house."

"We can't, this is Bella's dream."

"F**k" Jim Bob, Michelle and Jordan say.

"Just for the record," Jim Bob says "I really am a Buddhist."

"What the fuuuuuuuuudge!"

The End.


	8. Fairytale Spoofathon

1**Disclaimer: I do not own the Muppets **

Once upon a time, there was an annoying vampire named Rapunzel Rosalie. She was called this because she had pure gold hair that was six feet long. One day, Rapunzel Rosalie was walking through the woods with a basket of goodies to take to her grandmothers house.

R. Rosalie: Over the river and through the woods, the grandmothers house we go!

She came across a dirty old cottage in which three human nerds lived. There names were Eric, Mike and Tyler. Being a vampire, she tasted each of their blood.

Eric's blood was too tart from all the pills he takes for his multiple health issues.

Mike's blood was too sugary. **(A/N yes there is such thing!) **

Tyler's blood was flowing gravy and she drank it all up.

Then for some twisted reason, she kissed the two living nerds.

Eric's lips were too chapped and Mike shoved his tongue into Rapunzel Rosalie's mouth. She bit it off and he died.

Eric: *looks at R. Rosalie* Does this mean we live happily forever and ever and ever after?

R. Rosalie: No you nerd

Eric: *Gets down on knees* What can I do to make you love me?

R. Rosalie: Die

Eric: Except that

R. Rosalie: Well, biee nerd!

Angela: *comes in on a flying broomstick* Come with me, my love, to my beautiful dorm at hogwarts! :D

Eric: Do hogs even have warts?

Angela: OMFG get in the back! *yanks Eric onto back of broomstick* off into the sunset my love!

*all black screen*

*white words on black screen*: Eric was seriously injured during a tragic rape and will be hospitalized for the next few weeks*

*Rapunzel Rosalie and Angela appear*

Both: And we lived happily ever after! :D

*In Bella and Edward's cottage*

Rennesmee: That was a good story uncle Emmett

Emmett: Hell yeah minnie Bells!

THE END!


End file.
